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Not everyone has the sexual capacity to embrace kink, and not all forms of safe, sane, consensual kink are embraceable by those who do. Some like to be dominating. Some like to be submissive. Some like to be spanked. Some like to spank. Some like to restrain. Some like to be restrained. Some like to worship feet. Some like to be urinated on. Some like to do housework naked.

If it’s conceivable, there’s someone out there who likes it and probably more than a few websites devoted to it. The problem is that an unshared kink becomes a burden. You want or rather need to treat someone or be treated by someone in a very specific way, but finding that person seems next to impossible.

Where are those brave enough to embrace their kinky side but who still desire an otherwise vanilla relationship to go? Sure, there are places like Collar Me and Adult Friend Finder, but almost everyone you’ll come across is high on agenda and low on the desire for a relationship. You can pay for it, but at the end of the day you’ll still be unsatisfied and lighter in the wallet. So you decide to bury those feelings and find a relationship that satisfies other requirements, but no matter how hard you try to ignore your needs, they still dominate your fantasies. Many people are present in body only when having sex with their partner; their mind somewhere else with someone else doing something else. Does that sound like fun or avoidance?

Of course, you could always try to introduce your existing partner to your special brand of kink, but that usually goes one of three ways, Either you’ll completely turn him or her off, be met with apathy and avoidance or get your way (hopefully not begrudgingly). If you’re up for the challenge, below are some tips to help things go smoothly and achieve the desired result.

First repeat after me: “Moderation is the key”. Got that? If not, let me aid your understanding.

Your kink is decidedly your kink. It’s your fantasy and most likely far from anything your partner has ever considered, much less fantasized about. Before I detail the steps to enlightening your lover, you need to understand that even though your sexual feelings may live and die with your kink, his or hers do not. Your partner will be far more apt to indulge you if you understand that what you’re asking for should be part of your sex life rather than the focus. Some is better than none, my friend.

Now, let’s get down to business. The late great comedian Bill Hicks once told a young Patton Oswalt that in order to bring cutting edge comedy to the masses, he would have to lead the audience slowly to the edge. Patton perfected it in time, and so can you in regard to the introduction of your kink. In short, an out-of-the-blue, “Hey, the strap on I ordered came in the mail today…wanna fuck me up the ass?” is not going to get you to where you want to be. You need to talk with your partner, preferably in a setting that is intimate and as part of a broader discussion. Lead them to your promised land by asking about their fantasies. While they may not be forthcoming, it opens the door for you to be. This is the scariest part of the ordeal that is admitting to your lover that the missionary doesn’t exactly do it for you, because you could be met with hard rejection. Save yourself the misery and read their responses to the topic before you spell it out in detail. Remember, this is a conversation that should probably take place over time, so don’t try to seal the deal in one evening.

Next, don’t pressure your partner or let innuendo override your senses. One sure way to scare them off is to be overly suggestive all the time. Once they know what you want and need, give the topic time to breathe like a fine wine. In fact, don’t bring it up for a while and give your partner the opportunity to take action or at least verbalize some form of acknowledgment. If they do, great. If not, on to plan B.

Plan B is simple. Wait until the next time you’re both feeling frisky and ask them. You’ve already broached the topic, so now it’s time to see if the seed you planted will ever grow into a tree. Don’t issue an ultimatum and do be polite, but ask clearly and plainly for what you want. You may not get it, but then again, you may.

If, after all this, your partner hasn’t made an attempt to satisfy your needs, it’s probably not going to happen. This is the point where you may need to decide if stepping out of the bounds of your relationship is something you’re willing to do. Only you can answer that question.

If something did happen, it probably didn’t go as you imagined it. Whether you were met with a lack of enthusiasm or just plain disappointed, you need to let your partner know that it was a wonderful experience and be 100% positive. You got your foot in the door so don’t blow it by getting wrapped up in the details. As time goes on, you can coach them toward the full realization of your fantasies. As long as they think what they are doing is making you extremely happy, they’ll be likely to oblige. In time, they may even grow to appreciate it.

Good luck…and as always, be clean, safe, adult and mutually consenting.